The Intricate Dance of Relationships: Context, Human Behavior, & Development
What shapes human development—relationships or the individual? Human development can be phrased as self-improvement, personal development, spiritual growth, self-actualization, etc. Although it is well-documented that relationships play a critical role in shaping our identity and personal development, we too frequently view it through an individualistic lens, which often misleads us to believe that it is us—and us alone—that defines our sense of identity. Consequently, such a belief gives one the illusion that his or her personal development occurs on a solo journey.
There are two inherent mistakes with this view. The first is an incomplete and undifferentiated belief that we can define our identity entirely at will, as if other (unconscious) forces such as personality, biases, and context-dependent and experience-based cognitive and emotional development do not exist. Beyond this, there is an even more fundamental error: the outright belief that one can define his or her identity on their own and even necessarily without anyone’s opinion of them carrying any weight. This implies that their personal development is solely up to them and ultimately not for anyone else to have input on.
As for the former mistake, we must take up that matter in a later article. Therefore, let it suffice for now that there are indeed unconscious forces at play that render the assumption that we can define our identity and develop ourselves at will as a fallacious one. Instead, this article will challenge the unhelpful—albeit unconscious—belief that we can and must develop ourselves without the input or influence of others. More importantly, it will explore the role relationships play in shaping and enriching our personal development.
To develop ourselves, we act out certain behaviors over the span of our lives that elicit the potential qualities, traits, characteristics, abilities, preferences, and interests that gradually emerge from an individual from infancy to old age. As we grow and navigate the world, we constantly adjust our reactions to our experiences, which shapes our subsequent reactions to future experiences, all while continually shaping, reinforcing, or modifying our belief system–our map of the world and how we believe it is best to navigate it.
Our primary mode of engagement with the world is an interpersonal one, composed of various interactions with people over time. These are all some level of a relationship, be it a single interaction with someone we never see again or repeated interactions with someone for the rest of our lives. Therefore, because “interpersonal relationships are the foundation and theme of human life, most human behavior takes place in the context of the individual's relationships with others.” ¹ The world is comprised of various domains, or stages, and relationships are the primary stage on which we act out our development.
Our primary mode of engagement with the world is an interpersonal one, composed of various interactions with people over time. These are all some level of a relationship, be it a single interaction with someone we never see again or repeated interactions with someone for the rest of our lives. Therefore, because “interpersonal relationships are the foundation and theme of human life, most human behavior takes place in the context of the individual's relationships with others.”¹ The world is comprised of various domains, or stages, and relationships are the primary stage on which we act out our development.
Just as infants, children, and even adolescents require parents and other caretakers to aid in their physical and cognitive development, adults need other people to aid in their psychological and spiritual development. As adults, we are left with the task of continuing a type of growth that is much more obscure than childhood and adolescent development. Yet, our culture seems to be one that promotes independence to the extent of isolation. We are often told to "find ourselves" by looking inward, rather than recognizing that much of who we are is discovered in relationship with others. It is in the reflections, conflicts, feedback, and ruptures within those relationships that our true personality begins to emerge. Without others as mirrors, as challengers, and as companions, the depth of our growth remains stunted—trapped within the echo chamber of the self.
Reis, H. T., Collins, W. A., & Berscheid, E. (2000). The relationship context of human behavior and development. Psychological Bulletin, 126(6), 844–872.
